idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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