I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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