can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
