I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Is Oprah even human
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
