Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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