Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?