There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
