Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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