He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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