Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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