here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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