I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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