WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
her vagine was all disorganized.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Randomize
