i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
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You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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