Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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