I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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