I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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