Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
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He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
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There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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