Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
