all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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