just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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