do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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