all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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