WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
