I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
