Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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