you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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