I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
