I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
