I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
