I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We are two peas in an std pod
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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