I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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