Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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