I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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