Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize