i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
