i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
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I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
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i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.