I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game