the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
