I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
