I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
