I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
