We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
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i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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