Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
