I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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