YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
