If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
