You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
