My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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