nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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