i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
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I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
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That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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