Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
