break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
