I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
