I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
